Nuance and Generosity
Non-Binary and Open-Minded
In The Coddling of the American Mind, Jonathan Haidt gives a recipe for how you can "be happier, healthier, stronger, and more likely to succeed in pursuing your own goals". Two of the ingredients he lists in this recipe are "taking a generous view of other people, and looking for nuance (rather than assuming the worst about people within a simplistic us-versus-them morality)." I love his whole recipe, but these two ingredients stood out to me as worthy of a deep dive.
Looking for Nuance
Nelson Mandela said, "Nothing is black or white." Years later, Dave Matthews expanded on that quote, "Nothing is black or white, nothing's 'us or them.' But then there are magical, beautiful things in the world. There's incredible acts of kindness and bravery, and in the most unlikely places, and it gives you hope." (bolding mine) Both Mandela and Matthews are encouraging us to move beyond binary thinking.
Looking for nuance involves actively battling the algorithms that shape your social media feeds. The Social Dilemma1 is a fantastic documentary that goes deep into many of the societal challenges that accompany social media. I think this film should be required viewing for every person on the planet. Unless we counter the silos and echo chambers that are constructed and reinforced by current social media platforms, we will lose any concept of nuance.
Consume social media on your terms by turning off all notifications and grouping the social media apps in a folder that don't immediately grab your attention. As Scott Young says, "Removing temptations is easier than resisting temptations."2 Further, timebox your social media usage. Last week I talked about my morning routine when I was at Microsoft.3
My updated morning routine includes a 20-minute block for checking all of my social media (5min Strava, 3min Facebook, 2min Instagram, 5min X, 5min LinkedIn). I stay current, but I don't get sucked in to doom scrolling, because as soon as this 20-minute block is up, I have to move on to my 20-minute email block to keep my routine going.
Beyond social media, play Actor/Observer4 regularly and watch for where you're thinking is trending binary. What are you closing your mind to in the process? Entertain the opposite opinion for a minute or two and see what nuance you can spot.
Taking a Generous View
A while ago I asked my six siblings what their favorite phrases were from our Mom and Dad. I gathered all of them up and then created the Top Ten Wisest Phrases From My Parents. Two of them are perfect examples of what Jonathan meant by "taking a generous view of other people."
"If you can't say something nice about someone, don't say anything at all." - Mom said this very often to us, because she would always shut down negative talking about other people. And Mom modeled this. She saw the positive side of everything, and could highlight the value she found in every person she interacted with.
"Give them the benefit of the doubt." - This is the starting premise to the above quote. Chances are, if you can't find something nice to say about the person, then it's because you're not giving them the benefit of the doubt. Instead, you're latching on to the downside opportunity.
The framing of Microsoft's Values includes the phrase "Assume Positive Intent." In many conversations I had with team members referencing this phrase, a somewhat common question that would come up was, "What if the other party isn't assuming positive intent?" Here are three possible combinations I would give in response:
If both parties assume positive intent, then you get a win-win result. Your interaction is both people trying to work the problem and neither party feeling like they're the loser in the exchange.
If neither party assumes positive intent, then there's no chance for a good outcome. Both parties are in a defensive state where they see the other person's intentions as negative.
If one party assumes positive intent, there is hope. The party taking the high road is upleveling the conversation. They have the opportunity to change the other by "modeling" our values. While one party is dumping fuel on the fire, the other party is pouring water on that same fire. The positive party is giving the other the benefit of the doubt, and looking for common ground in the discussion that both parties can use as a solid base from which to move forward together. Even if a solution is not found, how do both of those parties feel after the exchange? I guarantee the positive intent party feels better for having earnestly tried to improve the situation.
Other Microsoft Examples
Along Microsoft's journey of increasing cultural awareness5, there was a period of time when posters were hung in hallways in every building articulating "Ten Inclusive Behaviors". One of those behaviors was "If you have a strong reaction to someone, ask yourself why."
This is a terrific self-awareness exercise. And this is a great place to apply Stephen Covey's thinking from The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People: "In the space between stimulus (what happens) and how we respond, lies our freedom to choose. Ultimately, this power to choose is what defines us as human beings." When you catch yourself having a strong reaction, step outside of yourself and observe the situation objectively to see if you can spot what evoked this strong reaction.
Another place where Microsoft encouraged generous views was in the recruiting process. The training given to interviewers included the guidance, "Don't screen out; screen in." Rather than looking for reasons why the candidate wouldn't be a good employee, focus your attention on finding reasons they would be a good employee. This was a great turning point when I saw Microsoft as a company largely pivot away from "gotcha questions" in interviews to more of a dynamic exchange between candidates and interviewers.
You're A Better Person for It
The more that you are able to spot the nuance in a situation and give people the benefit of the doubt, the more receptive you will be to the ideas being shared. And, ultimately, this will lead to you drawing more value from other people that you can weave into your Grand Synthesis.6
Footnotes
Scott Young (author of Ultralearning) and Cal Newport (author of Deep Work) teamed up to create the "Life of Focus" course. I highly recommend it.
Raising Our Own Awareness: Getting Better At Observing
Kathleen Hogan's Strengthening our culture of inclusion: #5 Transforming our culture
From You Are a Grand Synthesis, "The more I learn about someone, the greater the chance I have in discovering a 1% (or a 0.1% or a 0.01%) of them that I can make mine."