Love It Or Leave It
Love is a verb
Do you love your job?
I’m not talking about the “It’s 100% rosy 100% of the time” love or the “if you love your job, you never work a day in your life” love. That’s the feeling of love. I’m talking about the action of love. You love your job by continually investing in your job, for the betterment of yourself and everyone around you.
I don’t describe myself as loyal. Being loyal is too passive for my blood, and it’s too far reaching. Loyalty connotes blind faith. No thanks. Instead, I describe myself as committed. That’s far more active of a role. I’m actively investing in my work, and I’m regularly assessing my situation as objectively as possible to determine if it’s sufficiently a net positive for myself and for my coworkers.
Move beyond “my job is a paycheck” to the reality of your job being a relationship. You have a set of relationships that vary in connected strength. Your job counts as one of these relationships as well. All of your relationships are living things, that need to be regularly nourished. Loyalty’s answer to, “Why further this relationship?” is simply, “Because.” Commitment’s answer to the same question is, “Because of all the strength of that relationship.” As you keep investing in a relationship, it gets harder and harder to discount it. “Dis-count” as in “reduce in value” or “measure incompletely”.
Love is a verb
There are three relevant quotes that beautifully set the stage here (bolding mine).
Stephen Covey: “Love is a verb. Love – the feeling – is the fruit of love the verb or our loving actions.”1
Jordan Peterson: “Keep the relationship alive. Living things die, after all, without attention.”2
Scott Peck: “My feelings of love may be unbounded, but my capacity to be loving is limited. I therefore must choose the person on whom to focus my capacity to love, toward whom to direct my will to love. True love is not a feeling by which we are overwhelmed. It is a committed, thoughtful decision.”3
My synthesis of these three is, “I have an infinite capacity to love, but a finite time in which to demonstrate that love.” This focuses my efforts and puts me in a “love is as love does” mindset. Now let’s talk about all your different loves.
When I say:
Love yourself.
Love your partner, your family, and your friends.
Love your work (and any of your coworkers not already covered in the above category).
You should hear:
Invest in yourself.
Invest in your partner, your family, and your friends.
Invest in your work (and any of your coworkers not already covered in the above category).
Subjected to the finiteness of time, relentlessly prioritize the above investments. Which are highest for you? Which need the most nurturing at this time? Are you giving each enough to further that connection. None of this just happens on its own. As Scott says, “It is a committed, thoughtful decision.”
All things considered
I didn’t stay at Microsoft out of loyalty. Loyalty would mean ignoring any other offer that came up and “only having eyes for Microsoft.” Not me. Not at all. I regularly entertained offers that would draw me away from Microsoft. The key for me is to make sure, with each offer, to fight the “The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence” tendency. I accomplished this by using my imagination for a deep thought exercise.
When there is an offer for another job, pretend that you take that job. Pretend that you’re six months into your new role. What is working? What isn’t working? What stands out to you as a highlight, perhaps a sore point at your current job that you are certain won’t be present at your new job? What stands out to as a risk, something from your current job that you really do value, but you don’t see it present in your new job?
The better you are at doing an objective, eyes wide open analysis of the pros and cons of your options, the more confidently you can make the right decision.
Love factors into this analysis. Love is a two-way street. Look at your own level of investment at your current job, and make sure there is reciprocal investment from the others in this relationship. That starts with your management chain, but also includes your coworkers. We’ve all been in relationships that have unbalanced levels of investment. It doesn’t work out well. The same goes for your job.
Win/Win
It would be unfortunate if the only time you checked your love was when a new job offer was in front of you, because at that point you’re making a “should I stay or should I go now” decision. And if you decide to go, it’s too late for your current team to do anything about it. It’s far better to do the above thought exercise regularly in your current job. “What offer would convince me to leave, and why?” The answer here will shine a light on the problems with your current job that are worth fixing, or at least trying to fix.
Armed with these problem areas, engage with your team to try to improve them. You’re not bitching4; you’re raising concerns, with the aim to improve the situation for everyone. This is where it’s important to employ Stephen Covey’s 4th habit: “Think Win/Win”2. Win/Win means that both parties are winning in this relationship. Your job involves more than two people, so let’s call it Winn, where n is the number of team members on this job.
If you think your management chain doesn’t want to hear about problems, ask yourself which scenario management would prefer: (1) hearing about these problems in your exit interview as you leave for your new job or (2) hearing about these problems while you’re still fully invested in your job. As I said above, when you tell management that you’re leaving, it’s too late for them to try to convince you otherwise. Management wants to hear your concerns while you’re still open to the idea of life on the team beyond those issues.
Keep it fresh
Actively invest in your job and regularly assess the situation, and you will continue to grow this relationship. With each investment and with each improvement, you are renewing your commitment. In the movie Keeping the Faith, the older priest is speaking to the younger priest about commitment. He says, “You cannot make a real commitment unless you accept that it’s a choice that you keep making again and again and again.”
Charu and I will be celebrating our 30th wedding anniversary this year. The health of our marriage comes from this “love is a verb” call to action. It’s not about the vows we said to each other 30 years ago (our vows were in Sanskrit, so I’m not entirely sure what I was promising anyways😜). It’s about the vows that we renew with each other regularly. No ceremonies needed. Just look at your spouse and say, “you and me, baby”, or just hold each other for an extra-long hug. Whatever works for you to keep the promise fresh.
Weddings are always an excellent opportunity for a vows refresher. I remember at my brother Jim’s wedding, the priest did something very cool as the ceremony neared the end. He asked all the married couples to turn to each other, and he did a “renewal of the vows for the masses.” I wasn’t married yet, so I instead got to witness the very cool sight of my parents reciting these words to each other. You could see the freshness all over their faces.
Keep all of your relationships fresh, with continued investment.
Amen!