Compartmentalization

Maintaining momentum amidst powerful setbacks

At Microsoft. there is training that managers go through around handling delicate situations and the processes to follow. Within that training is the escalation path to follow with HR (Human Resources) if you as a manager witness or are told about any inappropriate behavior, more precisely termed an “HR violation.” So I knew what needed to be done the first time I was put in this situation … and had to report myself to HR.

Daniel sent me an email at 7pm, titled “not so funny”. I read this mail at 8pm (this was from an earlier time in my career before I’d established my Inviolates¹ and my Triage Shield² that would have had me reading this mail during my workday). The mail detailed an incident when I told an insensitive joke to members of the team I was leading. I immediately felt bad. Daniel went on to share their family history that made the joke especially hurtful. Now I felt even worse. And then came the worst part of all: the mail gave the date of the incident … two years ago.

I experienced a horrible sadness. I had hurt someone close to me. And I had obviously created an environment where that person didn’t feel comfortable telling me about it when it happened. How much additional pain did that cause this employee as they tried to bottle it up? Was every interaction with me in the intervening time a reminder of this incident? What else had I done to my team that they had kept inside? I had prided myself on my dedication to my team and the “2nd family feel” that I always tried to nurture. In an instant that was replaced with complete doubt. I felt helpless, ashamed, and depressed.

Everything stopped.

But when you are a manager for 50 people, “stopped” is not an option. In coaching sessions with new managers, a phrase I commonly use is, “When you have a bad day, your team has a bad day.” Bad things happen, and you need to give them due space and attention. But you also need to contain it, boxing it in as best you can, so that life outside of that event can proceed, and you can be part of it. You need to develop your Compartmentalization muscle; to avoid “stopped”.

I knew that. I replied to Daniel asking for a 1:1 the following day, which they agreed to. I then “powered through” the next morning with this weight. At 1pm, I had an in-depth 1:1 with Daniel. Immediately afterwards, I wrote-up a recounting of our conversation which I shared with Daniel … and then raised to my management and the HR department. Then, at 2pm, I closed my office door and closed my relight blinds (a shut door meant you were busy; a shut door with shut blinds next to it meant you were seriously busy). I sat down in my comfy meeting chair, laid my head against the chair back, closed my eyes, and let the full internalization happen: sadness, anger, second-guessing, regret, failure, disbelief, embarrassment, disappointment, …